Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
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I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
dutch is not a serious language
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids