[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
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Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Free him
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.