More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
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My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*