i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
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Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
how much for the angry fruit?
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
(Gaming support cat.)
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now