I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
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“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Venn
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.