Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
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[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Sign at work today
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.