Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄