outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
You Might Also Like
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
They’re not wrong
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean