[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
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My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…