Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
You Might Also Like
LOL!
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*