If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
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ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
what day is it?