why count sheep when I can count my troubles
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Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
accurate
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime