My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
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*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
What if the weather talks about us?
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST