Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
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What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
lol
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Imma just leave this here…………
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
‘I know a black person’
– White people