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I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
How is it still this week?