If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
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“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help