I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
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5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Mountain Goat : )
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?