I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
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She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.