This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
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Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
What my back needs
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist: