My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…