I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
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(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Phones down.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.