Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
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Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.