Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
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There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.