Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
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I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.