*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
When can I start eating bats again.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!