I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
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Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
my professor scared me for a second
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.