detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
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Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?