Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
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Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???