Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
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Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
called in thicc to work this morning
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.