This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
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When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
is this a threat
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.