I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
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[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor