Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
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My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.