Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
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[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.