Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
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95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
everyone has that one prude friend