My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
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I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed