Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
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Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come