It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
You Might Also Like
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
new year update: losing everything but weight
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey