Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
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I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
#polloftheday
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence