I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
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According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*