Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
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ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
DOOO EEEET
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home