Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
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I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
If only
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.