Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
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Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
crochet youtube is brutal
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Self-cleaning conscience