Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
You Might Also Like
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER