I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
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No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad