Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
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I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Oh hi lol
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
that de-escalated quickly
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.