the rocks need my help
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Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Good morning y’all ☀️
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
58.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod