When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
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people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Mmmm. Shoeshi