[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
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i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.