It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
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My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.