My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
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she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
How to draw a duck
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.